Thank You God (I'm not joking!)

I lost a pair of sunglasses.

No big deal I am sure you are thinking but to me it was.

I was going to run outside and get the mail and I picked up my sunglasses case from the table, opened it to find it empty.

At first I thought well maybe they are in the bedroom.

They were not.

Then I thought they might be downstairs.

Nope.

Then I thought I would check the garage just to be safe.

Nada.

Then I checked my dressing room; guest bedroom; master bedroom; master bedroom bathroom; hall bath; basement bathroom; basement office; laundry room; rec room; exercise room; the linen closet; the closet under the stairs; every freakin' closet in the house; the kitchen again for the twelveth time; both of my cars; the ground outside; (that one took a while I have over an acre out there); every old handbag I've touched in the last three years; all the sofa pillows and cracks; the dishwasher; the pantry; under all tables everywhere; in the oven; the microwave just to be safe; the living room; every drawer and dresser I own; the mailbox; my neighbor's mailbox; and finally under all the beds.

I could not remember the last time I had worn them. Was it Tuesday? Or Wednesday?

I gave up, extremely depressed and collapsed on my bed. I was beaten and broken. (I know that sounds like fun but it was not)

It was Wednesday that I had worn them last. I remembered I stopped by Lowes to pick up some potting soil. While I was there I put them on top of my head. A thing I never do.

As I lay there scolding myself for being so careless with a thing I loved greatly, my mind kept wandering to Lowes.

After Lowes I drove home and it was a sunny day. If I had lost them in Lowes I would have known it. No, those glasses were not at Lowes.

When I got home that day I unloaded the car. I carried in all the stuff I had bought. Bird food, a bird feeder and potting soil. I had to have had those sunglasses then. I would have missed them.

Okay, so I came in the house and maybe threw them on the table. I cleaned the table off the other yesterday.

I better check the GARBAGE!

Which I did. While taking deep breaths and holding my nose I dug threw the trashcan and removed every single thing inside there. It was almost the most disgusting thing I've ever had to do.

They were not in there.

Okay, digging threw garbage is a new low for me so I officially gave up. I can't take it any longer. They are gone. I will miss them. I am still very angry with myself but life goes on. They were just sunglasses for God's sake.

I sat down at my kitchen table and started googling the brand. I thought my punishment should be that I have to buy another pair. Trust me, that is a harsh, harsh punishment.

I found out that they do not make them any longer. I could have cried.

eBay was my next stop. Surely someone will be selling a used pair on there, right? Yeah, no.

My mind said, "Hey... psssst."

All of a sudden a thought occurred to me. When I came home from Lowes that day I carried the bird food around to the back of the house where I put it in the seed containers.

I leapt from my chair and ran outside. Down the stairs I bounded to the picnic table. I knew they would be there! I was so excited.

They were not there.

I looked on the benches and the tabletop. I looked underneath and on the ground around the patio. I thought MOTHER FUCKER COME ON GOD HELP ME OUT HERE!

As I turned to leave I looked back one last time and there they sat perched atop one of the bird food containers.

I thanked God. I praised God. I would like to send God a fruit basket or some fancy potted jam. Or should I be thanking my brain for remembering where my idiot body left them?