Office Space Invaders

There is probably nothing I hate more than being watched while I’m working.

I have been doing the type of work I do for the last twenty some odd years and I have worked where I work today for the last fifteen years. I know my job inside and out. I do it efficiently and effectively and quickly. Rarely does something arise that I do not know how to handle.

There is a field supervisor that comes into the office every now and again. A few times a week really. When we are slow in the field he is in more often and lately he has been in a lot.

God love him, he is a nice enough guy, but he has absolutely no comprehension about office work. So he will come into the office and sit on the other side of my desk and play twenty questions with me. He has his own office but I guess it is boring back there since he has nothing whatsoever to do.

Here is a typical exchange between us:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: Why did you just do that?

Me: What? File that file? Because I was done with it.

Him: Well why get up and walk across the room. Just leave it on your desk.

Me: Because I do not want to get it mixed up with other files I am going to pull out.

Him: Well it seems like a waste to walk over there and put it away.

Me: Why? Then I know exactly where it is and I can find it quickly later.

Him: Well you could do that too if you left it out on your desk.

Me: Have you ever gotten the contents of two completely different files mixed up?

Him: No.

Me: Okay, shut the hell up then.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: So why do you keep adding those numbers every time?

Me: I need the square footage on the room.

Him: Why don’t you just measure it twice?

Me: There is no need. If the room is square, say 10’ x 10’ it would take longer to measure the whole thing.

Him: But it looks like you are adding up four numbers.

Me: I am adding up four numbers. How many walls are in a square room?

Him: Oh. Okay.

Him: So now what are you doing?

Me: I am talking the wall square footage and multiplying it by the ceiling height to get the total wall square footagein the room. Next I’m adding in the ceiling square footage to that number.

Him: Seems like a lot of work since you’ve already measured the room.

Me: I am seriously going to kill you, you know that right?

Him:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: Why did you just put your keys back in that lock on your desk?

Me: Because my drawer is unlocked and I want to remember that is unlocked because important stuff is in that drawer.

Him: Well why not just leave your keys on the desk, not in it?

Me: Because I have walked out of here before in the afternoon and forgotten to lock that drawer, this way I never forget.

Him: Oh.

Me: Keep talking because every time you do you will die a little more slowly and painfully.

Him:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: Why are you printing out that stuff?

Me: Because it goes into each file.

Him: But isn’t it already in your computer?

Me: Yes, but I need a hard copy for the paper trail.

Him: What’s a paper trail?

Me: It’s like a trail of breadcrumbs through the forest, only it is paper in an office. Shut up and leave me alone.

Him: Oh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: What is that pile of papers you keep adding to over there?

Me: It is paperwork for payroll.

Him: Well why are you making it bigger. Why not just do payroll?

Me: Because we are in the middle of the pay period. I do not need to do payroll yet.

Him: But you could do it now and not have that pile of papers.

Me: That will not work because I cannot do half of the payroll. I have to do it all at one time.

Him: Seems stupid.

Me: You’d know.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: Why do you have to stamp the backs of checks?

Me: Shut up and go die somewhere. Please?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: I can’t find anything in this file drawer. Why do you file paperwork backwards?

Me: It is not backwards. I file the most recent project sheets to the front.

Him: I know and I can’t find anything.

Me: Well why do you need to find something from 6 months ago. You are more than likely looking for something from last week.

Him: You’re right.

Me: Duh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: Oh here is some paperwork for a new guy I hired in the field.

Me: Okay. Hey wait a second, something is wrong here.

Him: What????

Me: Well he filled out that his social security number is 910. Nobody’s social security number begins with a 9.

Him: Mine does.

Me: No it does not.

Him: Yes it does.

Me: Yours begins with a 2 you doofus. Do you think I don’t know your social security number? I sign your paycheck every other week.

Him: Well why can’t they begin with a 9? I’m sure someone’s does somewhere.

Me: No they stop at 733.

Him: Well how do you know?

Me: Because I just know! Look it up! Google it! Since you are sitting here doing nothing, why don’t you run over to the social security office, wait in line and ask them! Just get me a copy of his social security card.

Him: Okay.

Yesterday I was at the sink cleaning some dishes and I noticed a wasp crawling around inside the storm window. He looked to be hopelessly stuck but I thought, "Well he found a way in there, he can find a way out."

I hold no particular love for wasps. Or bees in general for that matter. They can sting you, they are intelligent, they are organized. Mostly it's because of that stinging thing though.

I really didn't give the wasp another thought after I was done with the dishes. I went about my day and that was that.

This morning I was making breakfast. As I was standing by the sink looking out the window watching it rain I saw the wasp again. He was still stuck in there.

I thought, "Oh ffs."

So I slid open the kitchen window and lifted the storm window about a half inch and thought, "Okay little dude, rescue yourself."

Then I ate my breakfast. Only this time I gave some thought to the wasp.

I wondered if he was in there thinking. I'm sure they do think because they have tiny wasp brains. Wasps must be able to think because they fly around making decisions all the time. Up, down, left, right, higher, lower, sting that person, don't sting that person, save the Queen. You know, decisions!

I really don't know if wasps have a queen. That line just fit in there for joke fodder. I will google them after I type this and learn more about them.

So was he in there all day yesterday and last night thinking about stuff? I wonder if the thought of, "How'd I get myself into this mess?" crossed his mind.

Then I thought about how many times I have gotten myself into precarious situations and silently thought that. Too many times to count.

Ultimately that was the reason I opened the escape hatch for him. We all need someone to come along and do that for us every now and then.

Thank You God (I'm not joking!)

I lost a pair of sunglasses.

No big deal I am sure you are thinking but to me it was.

I was going to run outside and get the mail and I picked up my sunglasses case from the table, opened it to find it empty.

At first I thought well maybe they are in the bedroom.

They were not.

Then I thought they might be downstairs.

Nope.

Then I thought I would check the garage just to be safe.

Nada.

Then I checked my dressing room; guest bedroom; master bedroom; master bedroom bathroom; hall bath; basement bathroom; basement office; laundry room; rec room; exercise room; the linen closet; the closet under the stairs; every freakin' closet in the house; the kitchen again for the twelveth time; both of my cars; the ground outside; (that one took a while I have over an acre out there); every old handbag I've touched in the last three years; all the sofa pillows and cracks; the dishwasher; the pantry; under all tables everywhere; in the oven; the microwave just to be safe; the living room; every drawer and dresser I own; the mailbox; my neighbor's mailbox; and finally under all the beds.

I could not remember the last time I had worn them. Was it Tuesday? Or Wednesday?

I gave up, extremely depressed and collapsed on my bed. I was beaten and broken. (I know that sounds like fun but it was not)

It was Wednesday that I had worn them last. I remembered I stopped by Lowes to pick up some potting soil. While I was there I put them on top of my head. A thing I never do.

As I lay there scolding myself for being so careless with a thing I loved greatly, my mind kept wandering to Lowes.

After Lowes I drove home and it was a sunny day. If I had lost them in Lowes I would have known it. No, those glasses were not at Lowes.

When I got home that day I unloaded the car. I carried in all the stuff I had bought. Bird food, a bird feeder and potting soil. I had to have had those sunglasses then. I would have missed them.

Okay, so I came in the house and maybe threw them on the table. I cleaned the table off the other yesterday.

I better check the GARBAGE!

Which I did. While taking deep breaths and holding my nose I dug threw the trashcan and removed every single thing inside there. It was almost the most disgusting thing I've ever had to do.

They were not in there.

Okay, digging threw garbage is a new low for me so I officially gave up. I can't take it any longer. They are gone. I will miss them. I am still very angry with myself but life goes on. They were just sunglasses for God's sake.

I sat down at my kitchen table and started googling the brand. I thought my punishment should be that I have to buy another pair. Trust me, that is a harsh, harsh punishment.

I found out that they do not make them any longer. I could have cried.

eBay was my next stop. Surely someone will be selling a used pair on there, right? Yeah, no.

My mind said, "Hey... psssst."

All of a sudden a thought occurred to me. When I came home from Lowes that day I carried the bird food around to the back of the house where I put it in the seed containers.

I leapt from my chair and ran outside. Down the stairs I bounded to the picnic table. I knew they would be there! I was so excited.

They were not there.

I looked on the benches and the tabletop. I looked underneath and on the ground around the patio. I thought MOTHER FUCKER COME ON GOD HELP ME OUT HERE!

As I turned to leave I looked back one last time and there they sat perched atop one of the bird food containers.

I thanked God. I praised God. I would like to send God a fruit basket or some fancy potted jam. Or should I be thanking my brain for remembering where my idiot body left them?