Killer Peanut Butter Now Causing Mental Impairment

We've all heard about the recent peanut butter scare.

It seems that due to a faulty sprinkler in a Georgia plant there has been some salmonella contamination to several products.

I had heard all about it on the local and national news. Although I must confess that I wasn't really paying close attention.

The other day I ordered some Girl Scout cookies and while I did pause when I ordered my usual 4 boxes of Tagalongs and 2 boxes of Do-si-dos, I figured that the GS organization must know if their cookies were part of the recall or not. Of course that did not stop me from ordering.

Earlier today I was reading this news article about the peanut butter recall:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28878691\

That led me to click on the interactive map:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28861005/

Which then told me that there have been 20 cases reported from my state of Virginia.

Then I clicked on this related story:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28774849/

While I was reading it I remembered last week I had bought some Keebler Fudge Peanut Butter filled cookies. Naturally I clicked open a new window and typed in Keebler.com.

While I was waiting for it to load I clicked back over to the searchable list of CDC peanut butter outbreaks:

http://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/peanutbutterrecall/index.cfm

I was searching around for the Keebler I had just bought and then got sidetracked because, #1 the dog wanted outside and #2 the cat was very loudly meowing at me.

Then I left the room and returned by this time forgetting all about the whole peanut butter problem.

That's when the wind chimes started.

In my kitchen the sound of wind chimes were very faint but rhythmically ringing.

I brushed it off as the wind outside. I do have a few wind chimes hanging under my deck and maybe it was the wind.

I let my dog in and then realized that there was no wind outside and I could not hear the wind chime noise outside.

I started looking around my kitchen for anything that would make a faint sound much like a wind chime but I couldn't come up with anything.

Then I remembered that downstairs, directly below me there is an electric wind chime thing that my sister gave me years ago and maybe I had bumped the on switch when I was down there earlier in the day cleaning.

I rushed down the stairs and into the room but the wind chime was silent. It wasn't even plugged into the wall outlet.

I went back upstairs and when I walked into the kitchen I could hear the chimes again. I looked at my dog and cat who were both standing in the kitchen and neither of them said a word.

Useless animals.

I left the room because now in the back of my mind I was thinking that I was going insane. Maybe the noise wasn't really happening. Maybe I was the only one in the world that could hear it. Maybe it is the sound that the grim reaper uses before he darkens your door.

I took that thought along with me as I left the kitchen and went to sit down on my bed. I thought this is stupid, there has to be something in that kitchen making that goddamn noise!

After collecting my thoughts and pushing away the horrific idea that the grim reaper would use the soft, soothing sounds of wind chimes to get your attention before he kills you, I ventured back into the kitchen again. This time I was bound and determined to stop the noise once and for all, even if I had to burn the kitchen down to do it.

When I walked through the doorway I heard the soft sounds again. I sat down in my chair in front of my computer, defeated, tired, spent.

I was just about to give myself over to the fact that one of these two possibilities were occurring:

A) I Was The Only One That Could Hear It

B) Life As I Know It May Be Close To Over.

Then I realized the noise was coming from my computer.

I had forgotten to close this fucking website:

http://www.keebler.com/#

My laptop speakers were on the very lowest setting.