Merry Fourth of July!

Tips from the Queen Wein:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T69HDek6a3k

Lately, and I do not know why, but I seem to be going through some weirdo type of pregnancy wardrobe stage.

I'm not pregnant, I assure you. It's just that all last week every time I got dressed for work I would look in the mirror and think, "God, I look pregnant in this shirt."

Usually I'm running so late for work that I don't care. I just throw something on and hit the road.

After a few days it occured to me that strangers were being extra nice to me.

People were holding doors for me and elevators. I soon figured it out it was because they thought I was carrying inside my body, a little bundle of joy.

So then I got thinking, I could keep this pregnancy thing going for a while.

I mostly run into the same people every day so I could just start stuffing something under my clothing to make it appear as though my pregnancy is progressing.

Sisters

I've been blue lately.

I recently returned from visiting my sister and her family in North Carolina.

I love to go there but I hate to leave.

Whenever I go there it would be so simple to just... stay.

While my house is my home her house is more like coming home to me.

When I'm there I'm surrounded by memories brought on by countless knick knacks and photographs, strategically placed to invoke historical remembrance.

In one guest room sits the bronzed baby shoes of my sister Judy. Also in there are the gnomes that sat under the library table that my mother used to own.

In the room I slept in, on a small table near a window my eyes fell upon a tiny wooden box with the picture of the Virgin Mary on top. This box sat on my mother's dresser since before the time of my memories began.

Downstairs in the parlor there are about twenty black and white photos sitting atop a piano. All lovingly framed and placed there by my sister's gentle hands. Each time I visit we look at the pictures and talk about long-gone family members. Oddly this was the first time that I ever noticed how much her son, my nephew looks like his father's grandfather. We've always known that her daughter, my niece favors our mother. Seeing my nephew in his paternal grandfather's face was beautiful.

In every room lies the history of her life and mine. Since before mine began, throughout my entire life, people that bind us together and personal belongings that have passed through generations.

I cannot chalk it up to fate because it feels like a bigger thing. We are sisters, forever entwined by the strings of fate, perhaps. But eternally bound by the love that share for each other.

I was thinking today. Yes, it's true. I do, do that from time to time.

I was wondering why bad things happen to good people. I was wondering why bad things happen to bad people. I was wondering why bad things happen.

I didn't come up with an answer. I guess I'm not as smart as I smart I am.

Countdown To The Return Of Fluffernutter

She is coming back.

She will be here next weekend.

She arrives on Friday and leaves on Sunday.

She will arrive with all her bells and whistles. Her toys, her cookies, her apparel, her bling and her long list of instructions.

She will also arrive with her PEE PADS.

She did not use her pee pads on her last visit and I am going to make it my Number One Priority that she does not use them again.

(Don't get me started on the topic of: A Grown Dog Using Pee Pads.)

She and I will sleep in the spare bedroom.

She and I will be constant companions for three days.

She will demand 100% of my attention 24/7.

She is coming.

Hell hath no fury like a spoiled lap dog.

Office Space Invaders

There is probably nothing I hate more than being watched while I’m working.

I have been doing the type of work I do for the last twenty some odd years and I have worked where I work today for the last fifteen years. I know my job inside and out. I do it efficiently and effectively and quickly. Rarely does something arise that I do not know how to handle.

There is a field supervisor that comes into the office every now and again. A few times a week really. When we are slow in the field he is in more often and lately he has been in a lot.

God love him, he is a nice enough guy, but he has absolutely no comprehension about office work. So he will come into the office and sit on the other side of my desk and play twenty questions with me. He has his own office but I guess it is boring back there since he has nothing whatsoever to do.

Here is a typical exchange between us:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: Why did you just do that?

Me: What? File that file? Because I was done with it.

Him: Well why get up and walk across the room. Just leave it on your desk.

Me: Because I do not want to get it mixed up with other files I am going to pull out.

Him: Well it seems like a waste to walk over there and put it away.

Me: Why? Then I know exactly where it is and I can find it quickly later.

Him: Well you could do that too if you left it out on your desk.

Me: Have you ever gotten the contents of two completely different files mixed up?

Him: No.

Me: Okay, shut the hell up then.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: So why do you keep adding those numbers every time?

Me: I need the square footage on the room.

Him: Why don’t you just measure it twice?

Me: There is no need. If the room is square, say 10’ x 10’ it would take longer to measure the whole thing.

Him: But it looks like you are adding up four numbers.

Me: I am adding up four numbers. How many walls are in a square room?

Him: Oh. Okay.

Him: So now what are you doing?

Me: I am talking the wall square footage and multiplying it by the ceiling height to get the total wall square footagein the room. Next I’m adding in the ceiling square footage to that number.

Him: Seems like a lot of work since you’ve already measured the room.

Me: I am seriously going to kill you, you know that right?

Him:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: Why did you just put your keys back in that lock on your desk?

Me: Because my drawer is unlocked and I want to remember that is unlocked because important stuff is in that drawer.

Him: Well why not just leave your keys on the desk, not in it?

Me: Because I have walked out of here before in the afternoon and forgotten to lock that drawer, this way I never forget.

Him: Oh.

Me: Keep talking because every time you do you will die a little more slowly and painfully.

Him:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: Why are you printing out that stuff?

Me: Because it goes into each file.

Him: But isn’t it already in your computer?

Me: Yes, but I need a hard copy for the paper trail.

Him: What’s a paper trail?

Me: It’s like a trail of breadcrumbs through the forest, only it is paper in an office. Shut up and leave me alone.

Him: Oh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: What is that pile of papers you keep adding to over there?

Me: It is paperwork for payroll.

Him: Well why are you making it bigger. Why not just do payroll?

Me: Because we are in the middle of the pay period. I do not need to do payroll yet.

Him: But you could do it now and not have that pile of papers.

Me: That will not work because I cannot do half of the payroll. I have to do it all at one time.

Him: Seems stupid.

Me: You’d know.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: Why do you have to stamp the backs of checks?

Me: Shut up and go die somewhere. Please?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: I can’t find anything in this file drawer. Why do you file paperwork backwards?

Me: It is not backwards. I file the most recent project sheets to the front.

Him: I know and I can’t find anything.

Me: Well why do you need to find something from 6 months ago. You are more than likely looking for something from last week.

Him: You’re right.

Me: Duh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Him: Oh here is some paperwork for a new guy I hired in the field.

Me: Okay. Hey wait a second, something is wrong here.

Him: What????

Me: Well he filled out that his social security number is 910. Nobody’s social security number begins with a 9.

Him: Mine does.

Me: No it does not.

Him: Yes it does.

Me: Yours begins with a 2 you doofus. Do you think I don’t know your social security number? I sign your paycheck every other week.

Him: Well why can’t they begin with a 9? I’m sure someone’s does somewhere.

Me: No they stop at 733.

Him: Well how do you know?

Me: Because I just know! Look it up! Google it! Since you are sitting here doing nothing, why don’t you run over to the social security office, wait in line and ask them! Just get me a copy of his social security card.

Him: Okay.

Yesterday I was at the sink cleaning some dishes and I noticed a wasp crawling around inside the storm window. He looked to be hopelessly stuck but I thought, "Well he found a way in there, he can find a way out."

I hold no particular love for wasps. Or bees in general for that matter. They can sting you, they are intelligent, they are organized. Mostly it's because of that stinging thing though.

I really didn't give the wasp another thought after I was done with the dishes. I went about my day and that was that.

This morning I was making breakfast. As I was standing by the sink looking out the window watching it rain I saw the wasp again. He was still stuck in there.

I thought, "Oh ffs."

So I slid open the kitchen window and lifted the storm window about a half inch and thought, "Okay little dude, rescue yourself."

Then I ate my breakfast. Only this time I gave some thought to the wasp.

I wondered if he was in there thinking. I'm sure they do think because they have tiny wasp brains. Wasps must be able to think because they fly around making decisions all the time. Up, down, left, right, higher, lower, sting that person, don't sting that person, save the Queen. You know, decisions!

I really don't know if wasps have a queen. That line just fit in there for joke fodder. I will google them after I type this and learn more about them.

So was he in there all day yesterday and last night thinking about stuff? I wonder if the thought of, "How'd I get myself into this mess?" crossed his mind.

Then I thought about how many times I have gotten myself into precarious situations and silently thought that. Too many times to count.

Ultimately that was the reason I opened the escape hatch for him. We all need someone to come along and do that for us every now and then.

Thank You God (I'm not joking!)

I lost a pair of sunglasses.

No big deal I am sure you are thinking but to me it was.

I was going to run outside and get the mail and I picked up my sunglasses case from the table, opened it to find it empty.

At first I thought well maybe they are in the bedroom.

They were not.

Then I thought they might be downstairs.

Nope.

Then I thought I would check the garage just to be safe.

Nada.

Then I checked my dressing room; guest bedroom; master bedroom; master bedroom bathroom; hall bath; basement bathroom; basement office; laundry room; rec room; exercise room; the linen closet; the closet under the stairs; every freakin' closet in the house; the kitchen again for the twelveth time; both of my cars; the ground outside; (that one took a while I have over an acre out there); every old handbag I've touched in the last three years; all the sofa pillows and cracks; the dishwasher; the pantry; under all tables everywhere; in the oven; the microwave just to be safe; the living room; every drawer and dresser I own; the mailbox; my neighbor's mailbox; and finally under all the beds.

I could not remember the last time I had worn them. Was it Tuesday? Or Wednesday?

I gave up, extremely depressed and collapsed on my bed. I was beaten and broken. (I know that sounds like fun but it was not)

It was Wednesday that I had worn them last. I remembered I stopped by Lowes to pick up some potting soil. While I was there I put them on top of my head. A thing I never do.

As I lay there scolding myself for being so careless with a thing I loved greatly, my mind kept wandering to Lowes.

After Lowes I drove home and it was a sunny day. If I had lost them in Lowes I would have known it. No, those glasses were not at Lowes.

When I got home that day I unloaded the car. I carried in all the stuff I had bought. Bird food, a bird feeder and potting soil. I had to have had those sunglasses then. I would have missed them.

Okay, so I came in the house and maybe threw them on the table. I cleaned the table off the other yesterday.

I better check the GARBAGE!

Which I did. While taking deep breaths and holding my nose I dug threw the trashcan and removed every single thing inside there. It was almost the most disgusting thing I've ever had to do.

They were not in there.

Okay, digging threw garbage is a new low for me so I officially gave up. I can't take it any longer. They are gone. I will miss them. I am still very angry with myself but life goes on. They were just sunglasses for God's sake.

I sat down at my kitchen table and started googling the brand. I thought my punishment should be that I have to buy another pair. Trust me, that is a harsh, harsh punishment.

I found out that they do not make them any longer. I could have cried.

eBay was my next stop. Surely someone will be selling a used pair on there, right? Yeah, no.

My mind said, "Hey... psssst."

All of a sudden a thought occurred to me. When I came home from Lowes that day I carried the bird food around to the back of the house where I put it in the seed containers.

I leapt from my chair and ran outside. Down the stairs I bounded to the picnic table. I knew they would be there! I was so excited.

They were not there.

I looked on the benches and the tabletop. I looked underneath and on the ground around the patio. I thought MOTHER FUCKER COME ON GOD HELP ME OUT HERE!

As I turned to leave I looked back one last time and there they sat perched atop one of the bird food containers.

I thanked God. I praised God. I would like to send God a fruit basket or some fancy potted jam. Or should I be thanking my brain for remembering where my idiot body left them?

More Bird Stuff

Yesterday while I was sitting in my kitchen watching the birds eat, I noticed a small, skinny Chipping sparrow that was camped out at one of the feeders.


It didn't seem to matter what was going on around him he was intent on staying parked on that perch, gently reaching his tiny head in to get a bite to eat. Since I noticed he was thinner than the other sparrows I assumed he was just really, really hungry.


After breakfast this morning I was sitting in the kitchen planning my day. The birds of all kinds were having their breakfast, it was a usual Sunday morning.


I was about to leave my seat when I saw the little hungry sparrow sitting out there eating again. A very large Grackle landed on top of the feeder and I guess it frightened the little guy and his head got stuck inside the feeder hole.


I watched for about 30 seconds thinking he would free himself. The Grackle saw me move closer to the patio door so he left. The small sparrow was still stuck.


I went outside and surveyed the situation. He was stuck all right. His head was fully inside the feeder hole tilted straight down I think his beak was stuck. When I gently put my hands around his body to see if he was alive he flapped his wings a bit. This made me happy because I was worried he had broken his neck.


He was stuck in there real tight. I couldn't budge him. I didn't want to pull on him too hard though, he was only about 4" long and about 1" wide. I also didn't want him hurting himself trying to get away from me. I looked inside the feeder trying to see how on earth he was stuck in there. I could not figure it out.


I put the feeder on the deck floor and gently dumped out a good bit of seed. That helped to get a better view of the little guy. That's when I noticed that his beak must be stuck in some way inside.


I tried and tried to free him but it was not working. He had gone limp. His little body stopped moving. I thought he was dying. I was at a loss at what to do. I think he was at a loss too, he was probably praying to whatever God birds pray to, just to get out of this situation alive.


I went inside the house and got a butter knife. I stuck the butter knife through the hole opposite to him on the other side of the feeder. I very, very gently put the knife under his head and gently grabbed ahold of his body outside the feeder. When I raised the knife ever so slightly his little head popped up and out of the feeder. I opened my hand and he flew away.


I was very relieved. I was happy he wasn't injured because as much as I was at a loss as to how to get him out of that predicament, I was at more of a loss as to what to do with an injured, tiny sparrow.


Five minutes later, the feeder was back in place, hanging on the deck rail and I was inside the house looking out and wondering if the bird was somewhere in the trees breathing into a tiny paper bag, hyperventilating.


The birds arrived a minute later to clean the seed of the deck. About 8 of them ranging in size and species. A plump Chipping sparrow arrived and began pecking away. Another thinner, smaller sparrow arrived and I grabbed my binoculars to look and sure enough, it was him. I could tell because the feathers on his head were all sticking up like a mohawk. The same way he looked when he flew out of my hand five minutes earlier.

The Birds (Not the Hitchcock kind)

I love wild birds.

I’ve been feeding them for years.

I’m not sure how it started. One day it just did. I bought one feeder and very quickly found out that one was no where near enough, so I bought two more. Then a fourth, a fifth, a sixth, a seventh. Somewhere around 11 I lost count.

I always take great pride in picking out seed that I think they will like. I buy two types of sunflowers and safflower, cracked corn and peanuts.

Out of all the birds that come to my feeders the Carolina Chickadee’s are my favorites. In case you don’t know they are small birds, tiny really. They have a beautiful sounding song and for their small size are fairly aggressive. They are usually always the first ones to arrive after I fill the feeders.

Probably my second favorite to the Chickadee’s is the Tufted Titmouse. They have big, round black eyes and a pointed crest on top of their head.

Cardinals hold a prominent position at my feeders. They swoop in and being a medium sized bird they usually get what they want. I love watching a bright red male cardinal feed his plain colored mate. It is one of the sweetest things in the world to watch. He will pick through the seed until he procures a black striped sunflower. Then he takes it over to his Mrs., and gently hands it to her mouth with his.

White-breasted Nuthatch’s visit quite frequently. I love they way they will take a sunflower seed out of the feeder and bang it on the deck rail to open it. They are a little bigger than a Chickadee only they look more aerodynamic in stature.

Junco’s or Snowbirds come in droves. Especially in the winter. What I like about them is that in the summer they change their look and sometimes you hardly recognize them. In the winter they are all fluffed up and appear to have more body to them.

I have some Downy woodpeckers that come out to eat in the summer. I have a family of red-bellied woodpeckers that bring their young to eat each season. Truth be told, I buy the peanuts for them. Woodpeckers love nuts. And I love them.

Sparrow’s and Wren’s of all sorts fly in for a feeding everyday. There are so many varieties of them it is hard to keep up. I would assume most are common house sparrows but I’ve spent time identifying them. I have limits.

Right now the finches are starting to make an appearance. Male Golden finches haven’t yet changed over to the yellow and black blazing color they possess in the spring, summer and fall. In about a month my thistle feeders will be covered with them, more waiting on the rails in line for a bite. Their song is also very beautiful to the ear as well.

Blue Jay’s stop by in the morning. They cry shrilly and swoop in. Since they are a large bird they don’t take much crap. I’ve seen them eat cat food while the cat has been standing outside next to the bowl. I read that they mimic hawk calls and I think that’s pretty cool.

Crow’s are always diving in too. I recently saw a murder of crows in my neighbors yard up the street. I was glad they weren’t at my house eating all my bird seed.

Grackle’s also make an appearance, usually in the morning. Sometimes the afternoon too. They are sort of scary looking with their incandescent black feathers and crazy colored eyes. They look like they just flew out of an oil slick. At first I wasn’t too keen on them but when I read up and found out that they are actually a large bird that will come to the defense of smaller birds in a fighting situation, I started liking them more.

In my front yard I see Orioles and Cat birds. I never see them at my deck feeders though. Cat birds are shrilly like Blue Jay’s only not as prettily colored. They will get up close and personal with you real fast and they will defend their nest be dive bombing your head.

There is only one bird that I see around my feeders that I’m not happy about and those are Cow birds. Cow birds are in the blackbird family and the females look mundane. They are brown. That’s it. Brown. They have a sort of a rounded head and look similar in body type to the cardinal. These nasty little boring birds go from nest to nest laying their eggs, letting the nest owner take care of their offspring. Sometimes the nest owner can’t keep up with feeding all her newborns and the newly slipped in ones, so some die. It’s a dark side of nature. Some would argue that the Cow birds are smart. I think they are a plague.

~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A couple years ago I was sitting in my kitchen watching the birds come for their afternoon buffet. It had snowed a few days before and the deck had about a half inch of snow left on it. Around 3 pm the Snowbirds came en mass. There must have been about twenty or thirty of them out there. Suddenly one crashed into my sliding glass door. He lay there on the deck, stiff. I thought he may have broken his neck.

Acting as quickly as I could, I ran downstairs and grabbed the only thing I could find… my cat’s old, small crate carrier. I stepped outside and gently picked up the snowbird. I put him inside the carrier and took it into the house. I put a little handful of seed inside and some water in a plastic container. I didn’t see any blood on the bird and his head wasn’t lolling around so I hoped he hadn’t fatally hurt himself.

I sat there staring into the crate and after about 10 minutes he woke up. He hopped up on his little legs and looked at me. I could only guess in his mind he was thinking, “What the hell?”
He shook himself off, hopped around a bit in there and then started eating some food. He munched and munched away and then decided to hop into the water bowl. After that he hopped to the crate door and started staring at me. We were about an inch apart. I told him he was okay, and that he was safe and to go eat some more food. He hopped back to his food and started eating again. I doubt he understood what I said.

I kept him in the house for about 45 minutes. I wanted to make sure he was sufficiently fed and had suffered no injuries from his crash. When the time arrived to set him free I took the crate outside and I put it on the deck floor. I opened the door while squatting behind it.

He didn’t hop out right away, about thirty seconds went by. He finally emerged, hopped away from the crate a few inches, turned and looked at me and then flew away. I told him to come and visit me anytime. He and his friends were always welcome here.

So now it is a few years later. I’m sitting in my kitchen typing this blog entry and watching all the birds eat. There are several snow birds amongst the others out there. I wonder if one of them is him. I hope one of them is.

I really do.